Our Lady ofPerpetual Thirst
Our Lady of
At Our Lady of Perpetual Thirst University, we offer a diverse range of academic programs designed to help your daughter discover her passions, build lifelong friendships, and make increasingly questionable decisions with complete confidence.
We have crafted business programs in which even your brain-rotted TikTok doomscroller can find success.
We can proudly state that all of our courses are accredited by the Department of Education of the Lesser Mariana Islands.
Total Programs
Faculty & Staff
Worldwide Alumni
Total Students
(4.8)
Learn from experienced faculty dedicated to your success. Academic excellence begins here.
(4.8)
Apply today and take the first step toward your dreams. Join a community of motivated learners.
(4.8)
A curriculum designed for today's challenges. Where knowledge meets opportunity.
Discover innovative programs designed for tomorrow's workforce. Preparing tomorrow's leaders for tomorrow afternoon.
Opportunities for faith and fellowship are all around. Begin forgiving tomorrow's poor decisions, today.
Graduate prepared to make an impact. Discover your passion. Misplace your dignity.
Explore scholarships, grants, and financial aid options. Invest in your future. We'll invest in ibuprofen.
"The faculty encouraged me to find my voice, challenge assumptions, and speak confidently in front of others. I now have the confidence to karaoke sober, which unfortunately means I also karaoke drunk."
"The hands-on learning opportunities prepared me for a fast-paced career where attention to detail matters. I can now identify twelve different vodkas by smell alone, which may not have been the intended learning outcome."
"My professors challenged me to think strategically, solve complex problems, and become a confident leader. None of those skills have helped me explain how I got chlamydia three times."
"Campus life gave me lifelong friendships, unforgettable memories, and a broader appreciation for different perspectives. I was also stabbed by some jealous bitch at bar in town."
"The psychology program helped me better understand human behavior and interpersonal relationships. It also taught me that sending nudes to my ex is technically a behavioral pattern."
"I spent three weeks in a medically-induced coma and don't recall attending this university. It sounds nice though."
"I couldn't get a scholarship, but I wanted to go to Our Lady of Perpetual Thirst so badly that I financed my education by being an actress in interracial porn films. My parents still don't know."
We provide students with just enough knowledge and skills to be able to legally charge them for attending. We turn undeclared majors into lifelong stories. This is where higher education meets lower expectations.
Welcome, and thank you for considering Our Lady of Perpetual Thirst University. For more than three decades, I have devoted my life to creating an institution where young women can discover their strengths, pursue academic excellence, and blossom into confident adults. Every August, as a new class arrives on campus, I am reminded why I chose higher education. There is simply nothing quite like the unmistakable freshness of youth.
I encourage every student to introduce herself to me whenever we cross paths. An open-door policy has always been the cornerstone of my administration, though my staff insists I stop calling it "an open dorm policy." I enjoy learning everyone's name, major, hometown, favorite color, and whether they've discovered that the top button on the university polo is entirely optional. My colleagues tell me I take a very personal interest in student success, but I believe that is merely the mark of a dedicated educator.
Thaddeus Longstaff, Ph.D
